Karma is not a bar.

15 Nov

2012 is the SECOND worst year of my life.  2010 being my first, but this year is certainly giving it a run for its money.

I guess as some point, I kind of deserve this.  I’m not going to say WHY because it’s too ridiculous, but at the back of my head i’m thinking: DO I NOT DESERVE TO BE HAPPY?

Fucking emo shit, I swear.  But the last 25-and-a-half years of my life i’ve spent trying to figure out what I wanted to be.  It took me that long and a huge ass mistake to finally figure out where I want my life to go, and the first step I take to making it happen, I end up with this shit.

I SWEAR.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

A friend said to go where you thrive the most, I’ve lowered my pride and accepted that I am just a beginner when it comes to my chosen career.  I’ve accepted that I’m a newbie, I know shit, my training isn’t good enough, but I think I have what it takes to become something great.  At 26 i’m starting from scratch, at 26, i’m eager to learn, i’m a newbie at this and what I thought would be my training period ended up blowing on my face.

It’s hard to be alone, that’s for sure.  From being the one to call the ropes, to the clueless one… that’s the most fucking demeaning thing in the world.  Now I have something to prove, without anyone telling me how to it.  I feel lost, I’m in the middle, I was supposed to be learning this, but it ended up me trying to fill a shoe that refuses to fit.

Where did I go wrong?  Jesus, what do you want me to do?  Where am I supposed to be?

I am not thriving, I have a huge pit in my stomach knowing that I don’t belong here.  I feel uneasy, I wake up nervous, every assignment leaves me weak on the knees, knowing that i’m going to tackle this alone.  I just need someone’s hand to hold for one fucking day.  I just want to ask for help, I just want to be the new, hopeless newbie who is clueless.  But I can’t.  I’ve been running this race far too long already to decide that OOOPS, I don’t know shit.

Because I KNOW SHIT.  I know a whole hell of a lot, I just need a place to unscramble all these thoughts.  I just need someone, anyone, to point me to the right direction so I know what i’m doing is not all over the place.  I’m tired of squeezing my brains without someone organizing my thoughts.  I’m tired of being the only one.  I left before because I was sick of being the only one, but now it’s happening all over again.  It seems so unfair.  Shit was dangled in front of me, then suddenly taken away when I decided to take the step.  No one’s going to old your hand through life, Sanya.  Don’t expect to be babied for the rest of your life.

Was I ever?  For every shit i’ve gotten myself into, i’ve never had anyone to pull me out.  I’ve never had anyone to tell me “oh hey, this is how you’re supposed to be doing this”, all i’ve done in my life is to trial and error everything.  For once, I decided to be humble enough to ask for help, but now it seems like it’s not going to happen.  I’m sick of my whining.  I’m sick of it.  No one’s going to hold your hand through life, Sanya.  No one.

But this is MY life.  I want to become something good, and for that to happen I just need a little help.  There, I said it.  I need a little help.  I’m good, but i’m not that good.  I’ve finally figured out what I wanted to be, and I don’t like that it’s being messed up like this.  I don’t appreciate it.  I feel cheated.  Don’t make me hate the only thing that I know how to do and enjoy doing.  Because every day I spend here, I begin to hate and hate and hate writing, and every day I spend here I begin to regret my decision.

STOP IT.  I know i’m good, don’t fucking ruin it.  Don’t fucking mold me into a mediocre piece of shit just because that’s what’s demanded from me.  I have a talent.  I figured out finally that i’m good for something.  Everyone needs someone to look up to, and it’s becoming clear to me that there’s no one in this world who will help me but myself.

I am made for bigger things.  This isn’t it.

Go to where you thrive.  I don’t have time to wait things out anymore.  If I don’t thrive, then I’m going to find another place that will let me thrive.  This is the only thing I know how to do.  If I was good in anything else, I would wait it out.  But i’ve been sitting on my ass for way to long to just wait things out.  We’re talking about MY future here, how i’m going to FEED myself.  I stay here, I’ll just be toxic.  I’LL BE TOXIC.

Don’t make me hate what I do.

Please.

Advertisements

I have a lot of hate again.

9 Nov

Maybe it’s that time of the month, where I get irritated by the smallest things, and I pick on irrelevant details.

Or maybe, I am just not fucking impressed anymore.

 

DAMMIT.

Middle Class w(h)o(r)e.

18 Sep

I miss LJ’s “listening to” feature.  If wordpress had that, then I would be writing “Every Word I Say”-Hanson, and imma be feelin’ fine!

I splurged on a pair of Steve Madden’s heels.  EXACTLY the same pair as Jemima’s , you can see her raving about it here.  I am such a sucker, I swear.  I’m living proof that internet marketing works.  I can’t even keep track of the stuff clicknetwork.tv has inspired me to buy.  From the Bodyshop BB tinted cream (I’m looking at you Tried and Tested!
) To Xiaxue’s secret diet regimen  (SO EXPENSIVE TOO SO NO MORE NO MORE!).  This is not a shameless plug, too.  If it was shameless, then I wouldn’t have forked a cent to buy those things.

I was waiting for my sister to finish work yesterday in Greenbelt.  My plan was to go to SM and look around for cheap stuff.  You know, the usual useless items that find themselves in my closet.  I’ve been eying a particularly funny looking bag that is puffy and soft, it’s sort of ugly, but I want it because “It can double as a pillow”, I was looking at it this weekend and I hugged it and I was in love.  Oh the stuff you can do with a puffy bag!  I wanted to buy it, but my supposedly reformed self gathered enough will power to walk away.  But OMG, it’s the cutest thing!  It’s so soft and I cam use it on the drive home, or when I’m stuck in traffic.  Imagine, a bag AND a pillow!!  The possibilities are endless!  I’m going to buy it later!!!!

So anyway, I was strolling around Greenbelt 5 when I saw Steve Madden, and they were on sale.  I remember that yeah, Jem owned and swore by a pair of Steve Madden’s, so I decided to give it a try.  ALSO, the Love Bonito Girls were also saying how comfortable they are, yet another influence from clicknetwork!  So I went in the shop and saw the beloved sign that said “45% off”.  My eyes wandered around and saw THEM.  I was going to buy the flesh coloured one, but after having the shop assistant call all the branches in the metro with no luck, I decided, right then and there, to just buy it.  It didn’t help that when I took off my shoe (FUCKING 2 YEAR OLD ALDO FLATS) the lining broke into pieces and stuck to my foot like really gross shit.  So aside from utter humiliation from my gross feet, and the fact that they had no stock on these shoes that made my look tall and lifted my ass to the high heavens, I really had no choice but to plunk down my credit card and have her swipe it before I could change my mind.  Hey, at least I got P1,500 off.  Yeah, I should repeat that over and over.

To add insult to injury, my right foot is smaller than my left, so I had to go to Beauty Bar (I was too lazy to look for Watsons, and I was on a spending roll anyway) and buy those transparent gel cushion things, and FUCK THAT they are so expensive (but I bought them anyway, they were lavender scented! LAVENDER!).  To make myself feel better, I used a newly opened tester foe lip exfoliation and used it on MY WHOLE MOUTH.  So I have soft lips now.

Aside from that, this weekend, I wasn’t able to go shopping because of the rain.  I had a whole list of stuff to buy, like, a clipboard, a new case and screen protector for my Ipod (justified, i’ve been using the same one for 2 years already) and I needed to pick up two sets of ceramic cups (the kind they use in Kopitiams).  So now I spent all my money on A PAIR OF HEELS, and I gave all my cash to my boyfriend to deposit on my Singaporean bank account, I have absolutely no money to buy the stuff I was supposed to buy.
Oh well, that’s what credit cards are for!

 

 

Stuck

10 Sep

This post is sponsored by my (copy)writer’s bock.

Like my brain, I am stuck.  Stuck in a life that in comfortable that it’s embarrassing, stuck in a career that is comfortable it’s embarrassing, stuck in my fat body that…yes, it’s humiliating.  I’m in this comfort zone, in a more or less okay life but it’s just become to comfortable that I’m not happy with it anymore.

Seriously, I just came from fucking Singapore.  That in itself is a whole conversation, I was already there, I was already on my way to something better, something different.  But what happened?  SHIT.  Shit that life decides to throw at you when you’re most vulnerable.  Shit that you cannot handle when you’re alone and homesick.  Shit shit shit and a lot of shit.  So I packed my bags, came home to my family because in my head, I thought that it was where I was needed most.

I don’t regret it, I don’t regret the most parts of coming home.  But at times I feel like I gave up on a good thing.  It’s not like I had no choice, I had a choice.  Chosing what to do was the hardest, because I lose either way.  The winning choice becomes the losing choice.  I’m not even making any sense, but this is my blog entry SO FUCK DAT.

So what the hell do I want to do with my life?

I want to be validated. It’s a sad sad way to live, but it’s the truth.  I’ve spent most of my life being mediocre at everything I do, and I’ve always been afraid to be the girl who is “comfortable in life” (NOT TRUE).  I’m sick of coming off as daddy’s girl who will just live off her parents because she’s so damn mediocre.

I want to achieve something, I wanna be good at something.  Which is strange because I have also kind of accepted the fact that I am slightly mediocre in life.  I’ve accepted it, but i’m not comfortable with it.  I want to be good at something, and not at useless things like blowjobs, or washing the dishes or having perfect hair.  I want to be good at something and I want people to know it.

WHAT AN ATTENTION WHORE.

I am in limbo, i’m in a rut.  I’m in a place where I’m not happy nor sad.  I’ve accepted my flaws but want more.  I want to work for my success but I want it now.  I don’t know what I want and i’m already 26.  In 4 years i’ll be 30.  And I’m still broke and achieved nothing.

Why is it that i’m always out to prove things to people?  Half of the people I want to prove myself to don’t even care if I end up dead in a ditch.  I think it’s more for bragging rights.  So I can be entitled to my eccentricities without being second-guessed.  To be able to DO SHIT AND GET AWAY WITH IT.  To not deal with people, no just be “myself”, to bitch, to rant.

I’m doing it right now, but I don’t feel entitled to it.

I need to be something to have the right to be myself.

Rambling is like my mathematical equation.  I have to write it out, analyze it, over analyze it and flip it over and backwards to arrive at an answer.

I need to be something to have the right to be myself.

The Office

20 Jul

I’ve been going through some tough shit lately.

 But I’m in a new job, in a new company, in a new country.  Everything is new.  But the whole Sanya Coo is same old, same old.

 Happy, “funny”, “witty”, “bordering stupid” is the name of the game.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being employed, it’s nobody wants a depressed officemate.

 Misery loves company, they say.  I am not about to bring anyone down in my downward spiral to depression.  My boss doesn’t need to know (or at least see) just how miserable I am.  In short: save your drama for your momma.

 A sad officemate can be a bit of a bummer, i’ve learned to keep my personal life at an arms length when I enter the office.  Everyone is working hard, everyone is going through their own shit.  Bills need to be paid, episodes need to be shot, one glum looking employee is all it takes to throw you off balance.  Not that you should expect your seatmate to care about what’s happening with your life, but I believe it’s common courtesy to let them do what they need to do without seeing your miserable face.

 You are here to work, you are not being paid to sulk or cry or look out in the distance and zone out in your sadness.  You are here for one thing and one thing only: to deliver.

 I have literally perfected this, and at times, I am so good that I am able to convince myself that I am truly 100% happy.  Which makes going to the office such a relief sometimes.  Working has been an escape to whatever shit I am dealing with, and I embrace it.

 I guess my way of dealing with things is a little toxic for my health.  But if you’re getting health coverage, then go on ahead and put on a happy face.  You owe your company that.  They hired you to be productive; to not bring the morale down, so go on and smile until it kills you…at least you’re being paid for it!

 

Living it up! (kinda)

4 Jul

So I guess it’s not so bad.

Work is fun, I am learning a lot.  Actually, it’s a lot of fun.  Great people, and a great boss!

I guess it really is just the first few weeks, eh?

I should really blog more, like, all my adventures here.  Or misadventures-rather.  Like, doing laundry, not knowing where to put the soap in.  Cleaning the bathroom (yup!) and mopping my floor.  It’s all very domestic helper-y, but it’s strangely calming to do.  I just have to make sure I dry my clothes properly since I haven’t had time to buy an iron.  Otherwise, i’d go to work in a crumpled shirt. HAHAHA.

GO THE SECRET! 🙂

Home

25 Jun

third week in Singapore.