Archive | November, 2012

Karma is not a bar.

15 Nov

2012 is the SECOND worst year of my life.  2010 being my first, but this year is certainly giving it a run for its money.

I guess as some point, I kind of deserve this.  I’m not going to say WHY because it’s too ridiculous, but at the back of my head i’m thinking: DO I NOT DESERVE TO BE HAPPY?

Fucking emo shit, I swear.  But the last 25-and-a-half years of my life i’ve spent trying to figure out what I wanted to be.  It took me that long and a huge ass mistake to finally figure out where I want my life to go, and the first step I take to making it happen, I end up with this shit.

I SWEAR.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

A friend said to go where you thrive the most, I’ve lowered my pride and accepted that I am just a beginner when it comes to my chosen career.  I’ve accepted that I’m a newbie, I know shit, my training isn’t good enough, but I think I have what it takes to become something great.  At 26 i’m starting from scratch, at 26, i’m eager to learn, i’m a newbie at this and what I thought would be my training period ended up blowing on my face.

It’s hard to be alone, that’s for sure.  From being the one to call the ropes, to the clueless one… that’s the most fucking demeaning thing in the world.  Now I have something to prove, without anyone telling me how to it.  I feel lost, I’m in the middle, I was supposed to be learning this, but it ended up me trying to fill a shoe that refuses to fit.

Where did I go wrong?  Jesus, what do you want me to do?  Where am I supposed to be?

I am not thriving, I have a huge pit in my stomach knowing that I don’t belong here.  I feel uneasy, I wake up nervous, every assignment leaves me weak on the knees, knowing that i’m going to tackle this alone.  I just need someone’s hand to hold for one fucking day.  I just want to ask for help, I just want to be the new, hopeless newbie who is clueless.  But I can’t.  I’ve been running this race far too long already to decide that OOOPS, I don’t know shit.

Because I KNOW SHIT.  I know a whole hell of a lot, I just need a place to unscramble all these thoughts.  I just need someone, anyone, to point me to the right direction so I know what i’m doing is not all over the place.  I’m tired of squeezing my brains without someone organizing my thoughts.  I’m tired of being the only one.  I left before because I was sick of being the only one, but now it’s happening all over again.  It seems so unfair.  Shit was dangled in front of me, then suddenly taken away when I decided to take the step.  No one’s going to old your hand through life, Sanya.  Don’t expect to be babied for the rest of your life.

Was I ever?  For every shit i’ve gotten myself into, i’ve never had anyone to pull me out.  I’ve never had anyone to tell me “oh hey, this is how you’re supposed to be doing this”, all i’ve done in my life is to trial and error everything.  For once, I decided to be humble enough to ask for help, but now it seems like it’s not going to happen.  I’m sick of my whining.  I’m sick of it.  No one’s going to hold your hand through life, Sanya.  No one.

But this is MY life.  I want to become something good, and for that to happen I just need a little help.  There, I said it.  I need a little help.  I’m good, but i’m not that good.  I’ve finally figured out what I wanted to be, and I don’t like that it’s being messed up like this.  I don’t appreciate it.  I feel cheated.  Don’t make me hate the only thing that I know how to do and enjoy doing.  Because every day I spend here, I begin to hate and hate and hate writing, and every day I spend here I begin to regret my decision.

STOP IT.  I know i’m good, don’t fucking ruin it.  Don’t fucking mold me into a mediocre piece of shit just because that’s what’s demanded from me.  I have a talent.  I figured out finally that i’m good for something.  Everyone needs someone to look up to, and it’s becoming clear to me that there’s no one in this world who will help me but myself.

I am made for bigger things.  This isn’t it.

Go to where you thrive.  I don’t have time to wait things out anymore.  If I don’t thrive, then I’m going to find another place that will let me thrive.  This is the only thing I know how to do.  If I was good in anything else, I would wait it out.  But i’ve been sitting on my ass for way to long to just wait things out.  We’re talking about MY future here, how i’m going to FEED myself.  I stay here, I’ll just be toxic.  I’LL BE TOXIC.

Don’t make me hate what I do.

Please.

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I have a lot of hate again.

9 Nov

Maybe it’s that time of the month, where I get irritated by the smallest things, and I pick on irrelevant details.

Or maybe, I am just not fucking impressed anymore.

 

DAMMIT.