Stuck

10 Sep

This post is sponsored by my (copy)writer’s bock.

Like my brain, I am stuck.  Stuck in a life that in comfortable that it’s embarrassing, stuck in a career that is comfortable it’s embarrassing, stuck in my fat body that…yes, it’s humiliating.  I’m in this comfort zone, in a more or less okay life but it’s just become to comfortable that I’m not happy with it anymore.

Seriously, I just came from fucking Singapore.  That in itself is a whole conversation, I was already there, I was already on my way to something better, something different.  But what happened?  SHIT.  Shit that life decides to throw at you when you’re most vulnerable.  Shit that you cannot handle when you’re alone and homesick.  Shit shit shit and a lot of shit.  So I packed my bags, came home to my family because in my head, I thought that it was where I was needed most.

I don’t regret it, I don’t regret the most parts of coming home.  But at times I feel like I gave up on a good thing.  It’s not like I had no choice, I had a choice.  Chosing what to do was the hardest, because I lose either way.  The winning choice becomes the losing choice.  I’m not even making any sense, but this is my blog entry SO FUCK DAT.

So what the hell do I want to do with my life?

I want to be validated. It’s a sad sad way to live, but it’s the truth.  I’ve spent most of my life being mediocre at everything I do, and I’ve always been afraid to be the girl who is “comfortable in life” (NOT TRUE).  I’m sick of coming off as daddy’s girl who will just live off her parents because she’s so damn mediocre.

I want to achieve something, I wanna be good at something.  Which is strange because I have also kind of accepted the fact that I am slightly mediocre in life.  I’ve accepted it, but i’m not comfortable with it.  I want to be good at something, and not at useless things like blowjobs, or washing the dishes or having perfect hair.  I want to be good at something and I want people to know it.

WHAT AN ATTENTION WHORE.

I am in limbo, i’m in a rut.  I’m in a place where I’m not happy nor sad.  I’ve accepted my flaws but want more.  I want to work for my success but I want it now.  I don’t know what I want and i’m already 26.  In 4 years i’ll be 30.  And I’m still broke and achieved nothing.

Why is it that i’m always out to prove things to people?  Half of the people I want to prove myself to don’t even care if I end up dead in a ditch.  I think it’s more for bragging rights.  So I can be entitled to my eccentricities without being second-guessed.  To be able to DO SHIT AND GET AWAY WITH IT.  To not deal with people, no just be “myself”, to bitch, to rant.

I’m doing it right now, but I don’t feel entitled to it.

I need to be something to have the right to be myself.

Rambling is like my mathematical equation.  I have to write it out, analyze it, over analyze it and flip it over and backwards to arrive at an answer.

I need to be something to have the right to be myself.

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