Archive | September, 2012

Middle Class w(h)o(r)e.

18 Sep

I miss LJ’s “listening to” feature.  If wordpress had that, then I would be writing “Every Word I Say”-Hanson, and imma be feelin’ fine!

I splurged on a pair of Steve Madden’s heels.  EXACTLY the same pair as Jemima’s , you can see her raving about it here.  I am such a sucker, I swear.  I’m living proof that internet marketing works.  I can’t even keep track of the stuff has inspired me to buy.  From the Bodyshop BB tinted cream (I’m looking at you Tried and Tested!
) To Xiaxue’s secret diet regimen  (SO EXPENSIVE TOO SO NO MORE NO MORE!).  This is not a shameless plug, too.  If it was shameless, then I wouldn’t have forked a cent to buy those things.

I was waiting for my sister to finish work yesterday in Greenbelt.  My plan was to go to SM and look around for cheap stuff.  You know, the usual useless items that find themselves in my closet.  I’ve been eying a particularly funny looking bag that is puffy and soft, it’s sort of ugly, but I want it because “It can double as a pillow”, I was looking at it this weekend and I hugged it and I was in love.  Oh the stuff you can do with a puffy bag!  I wanted to buy it, but my supposedly reformed self gathered enough will power to walk away.  But OMG, it’s the cutest thing!  It’s so soft and I cam use it on the drive home, or when I’m stuck in traffic.  Imagine, a bag AND a pillow!!  The possibilities are endless!  I’m going to buy it later!!!!

So anyway, I was strolling around Greenbelt 5 when I saw Steve Madden, and they were on sale.  I remember that yeah, Jem owned and swore by a pair of Steve Madden’s, so I decided to give it a try.  ALSO, the Love Bonito Girls were also saying how comfortable they are, yet another influence from clicknetwork!  So I went in the shop and saw the beloved sign that said “45% off”.  My eyes wandered around and saw THEM.  I was going to buy the flesh coloured one, but after having the shop assistant call all the branches in the metro with no luck, I decided, right then and there, to just buy it.  It didn’t help that when I took off my shoe (FUCKING 2 YEAR OLD ALDO FLATS) the lining broke into pieces and stuck to my foot like really gross shit.  So aside from utter humiliation from my gross feet, and the fact that they had no stock on these shoes that made my look tall and lifted my ass to the high heavens, I really had no choice but to plunk down my credit card and have her swipe it before I could change my mind.  Hey, at least I got P1,500 off.  Yeah, I should repeat that over and over.

To add insult to injury, my right foot is smaller than my left, so I had to go to Beauty Bar (I was too lazy to look for Watsons, and I was on a spending roll anyway) and buy those transparent gel cushion things, and FUCK THAT they are so expensive (but I bought them anyway, they were lavender scented! LAVENDER!).  To make myself feel better, I used a newly opened tester foe lip exfoliation and used it on MY WHOLE MOUTH.  So I have soft lips now.

Aside from that, this weekend, I wasn’t able to go shopping because of the rain.  I had a whole list of stuff to buy, like, a clipboard, a new case and screen protector for my Ipod (justified, i’ve been using the same one for 2 years already) and I needed to pick up two sets of ceramic cups (the kind they use in Kopitiams).  So now I spent all my money on A PAIR OF HEELS, and I gave all my cash to my boyfriend to deposit on my Singaporean bank account, I have absolutely no money to buy the stuff I was supposed to buy.
Oh well, that’s what credit cards are for!





10 Sep

This post is sponsored by my (copy)writer’s bock.

Like my brain, I am stuck.  Stuck in a life that in comfortable that it’s embarrassing, stuck in a career that is comfortable it’s embarrassing, stuck in my fat body that…yes, it’s humiliating.  I’m in this comfort zone, in a more or less okay life but it’s just become to comfortable that I’m not happy with it anymore.

Seriously, I just came from fucking Singapore.  That in itself is a whole conversation, I was already there, I was already on my way to something better, something different.  But what happened?  SHIT.  Shit that life decides to throw at you when you’re most vulnerable.  Shit that you cannot handle when you’re alone and homesick.  Shit shit shit and a lot of shit.  So I packed my bags, came home to my family because in my head, I thought that it was where I was needed most.

I don’t regret it, I don’t regret the most parts of coming home.  But at times I feel like I gave up on a good thing.  It’s not like I had no choice, I had a choice.  Chosing what to do was the hardest, because I lose either way.  The winning choice becomes the losing choice.  I’m not even making any sense, but this is my blog entry SO FUCK DAT.

So what the hell do I want to do with my life?

I want to be validated. It’s a sad sad way to live, but it’s the truth.  I’ve spent most of my life being mediocre at everything I do, and I’ve always been afraid to be the girl who is “comfortable in life” (NOT TRUE).  I’m sick of coming off as daddy’s girl who will just live off her parents because she’s so damn mediocre.

I want to achieve something, I wanna be good at something.  Which is strange because I have also kind of accepted the fact that I am slightly mediocre in life.  I’ve accepted it, but i’m not comfortable with it.  I want to be good at something, and not at useless things like blowjobs, or washing the dishes or having perfect hair.  I want to be good at something and I want people to know it.


I am in limbo, i’m in a rut.  I’m in a place where I’m not happy nor sad.  I’ve accepted my flaws but want more.  I want to work for my success but I want it now.  I don’t know what I want and i’m already 26.  In 4 years i’ll be 30.  And I’m still broke and achieved nothing.

Why is it that i’m always out to prove things to people?  Half of the people I want to prove myself to don’t even care if I end up dead in a ditch.  I think it’s more for bragging rights.  So I can be entitled to my eccentricities without being second-guessed.  To be able to DO SHIT AND GET AWAY WITH IT.  To not deal with people, no just be “myself”, to bitch, to rant.

I’m doing it right now, but I don’t feel entitled to it.

I need to be something to have the right to be myself.

Rambling is like my mathematical equation.  I have to write it out, analyze it, over analyze it and flip it over and backwards to arrive at an answer.

I need to be something to have the right to be myself.